In the last newsletter, we explored the 4 scenarios below, and now we're going to look at what to do next.
Here's a recap of the 4 possibilities in a situation when your child expresses a need or want:
1) Sometimes, you will meet your child's need, or give him what he wants.
2) Sometimes, you will help your child meet the need, or help her get what she wants.
3) Sometimes, you will let your child know that the need or want will be addressed at another time.
4) Sometimes, you will clearly identify the request as a want, and let your child know that she will not be getting what she wants this time, but that she will have lots of wants that she will get to have.
Now, you've heard this next bit from me before, but we're going to take it apart a bit more here. In all of the cases above, you start by identifying the need or want, as best you can, then - acknowledge your child's experience.
No matter your child's age, this step is crucial to maintaining connection, demonstrating your respect for your child, and helping your child to learn to navigate his or her own needs and wants along the way.
Acknowledging your child's experience might sound like this:
"Yes! You really want ice cream. Ice cream is so yummy!"
or
"Yeah. You really need to feel listened to. You want to know that Suzy cares about you and your feelings."
or
"Peanut butter is delicious! You want to stick your spoon right in there and eat some up!"
or
"You love dancing. It makes you feel happy!"
or
"You're feeling hurt. Danny isn't doing what you hoped he would do, and you're disappointed."
This is where you pause, and enjoy the connection that you have created with your child. When you acknowledge and reflect their experience, your child knows that they are understood, they know that you care enough to relate to them, and they know that you're on their team. (If you are tentative about your assessment of the situation, if your child is resistant to this, or as your child gets older, reflect in the form of a question: "Are you disappointed because...?")
At this point, we are tempted to dive right in to the next steps, often forgetting that this may be the only step. At any age, clarifying and reflecting the child's own experience back to them is often all that they need, and exactly what they want, from you. Acknowledging, and reflecting the child's experience may continue for some time. Take your time to really explore and understand
your child's experience. This is where connection is built.
After taking this time, we may step in to provide the need or want, help the child get the need or want, or we may need to share with our child that they won't be getting what they need or want immediately. The first two are more straightforward, but the third is when many parents panic.
Often, we're so aware, from the first moment, that we are going to need to deliver this message to the child, that we forget to connect, or we rush, rapidly going through the motions of reflecting our child's experience, then following it with the word BUT.
"I know you're sad about the truck, BUT you need to share."
or
"I hear that you really want ice cream, BUT it's 8 o'clock!"
When we do this, we miss the opportunity to connect, because we're rushing to the next step.
So, to avoid rushing to the next step, I will stop right here, and put the next step in my next newsletter. It's about how to deliver the message that your child doesn't want to hear, and how to help them manage any emotions that might arise. (It will come on Monday evening!)
This is where you will need to help your child manage the emotions that come with the situation, and we will dive in deeper to this step in the next newsletter.
