Hello ,
This newsletter is the last in the What Your Child Needs series, and is about how to deliver the message that your child doesn't want to hear, and how to help them manage any emotions that might arise.
We know that when the child doesn't get what they need or want, they might be sad or angry, and we don't want to cause that, because we love our children. And when you love somebody, of course you don't want to do something that makes them sad or angry.
Here's something that I often tell parents that causes a visible sigh of relief and a relaxing of the shoulders. You may want to write this down:
You are not responsible for keeping your child happy.
You are not responsible for making your child stop crying.
You ARE responsible for supporting your child THROUGH, not around, his or her life experiences and emotions.
This is so important. When you send your child the message that you are responsible for stopping them from crying, a couple of things happen.
First, they start to feel like there's something wrong with having the feeling! It must be fixed! It's bad to be sad! Emotions, including sadness, anger, disappointment, and frustration, are a natural and healthy part of the human experience. Tears are adaptive - they help us, and our children, to accept disappointment and move on. When we adults block the expression, by trying to stop it, the child gets stuck, and cannot move through the disappointment.
Second, when everyone starts running around, trying to fix the child's emotion, he or she gets the idea that everyone else is responsible for the feeling.
To clarify, you ARE responsible for meeting many of your child's needs, including basic physical needs, the need for security, and the need for comfort. You're NOT responsible for fixing something that is not broken. Get it?
So, how to deliver the message?
Reflect the rhythm of your child's expression, and take the intensity down a notch. Your tone, body language, and words can all reflect your child's experience.
And, without defensiveness, without apology, without blame. Nobody's wrong here!
"Darling, this toy needs to be returned to Davy. It's his and he's waiting for it. That makes you sad! It's hard to let go of something you like. I can hold you for a cuddle if you like. You're feeling mad, too! You can stomp your feet and run around the playground, if you want to. I know, honey, you're sad and mad!"
You may need to pick up your child. You may need to leave the situation. You can do all of this with kindness and from a place of support. "I hear you and I love you."
Depending on the source of the disappointment, you may need to add one or both of my favourite sentences, quotes from a mom I adore and respect:
"I feel very strongly about this."
or
"I'm not going to change my mind about this."
And then, continue to support your child's emotion UNTIL the tone of the expression changes, and he or she is ready to shift gears.
Hey!
Today's the last day to register as an Early Bird for the Pre-emptive Discipline Class starting this Saturday. I'd be thrilled to share the class with you.
This class is fun, friendly, and includes LOTS of time to address your specific questions about your unique and wonderful child.
I think you'll love it. And I'd love to see you there! Give me a call with any questions you have, or to register for the class. If finances are a barrier for you, please consider Full Circle Parenting's pay-what-you-can program.
Here's what one parent said about the class:
"I feel like I finally have a plan to raise our happy, healthy children in keeping with our family's most important values. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Lisa Kathleen!" ~ C.B. (mom of 2)
In joy,
Lisa Kathleen
PS There is a significant discount for a second person to take the class with you. Consider forwarding this email and then calling up a friend or two to join you. Babes in arms are welcome at all Full Circle Parenting events! AND, please reply to this email asking about our Pay-What-You-Can program if finances are a barrier for you...I'd love to support you. |
