I remember talking to a mom one time who told me with great gusto that she was a potty-mouth and that she didn't want to spend her whole life pretending she wasn't a potty-mouth. When she was a new mom, she felt like a big fake in her own home, with her children. She had eventually decided that it was more important that she express herself naturally than that she model socially acceptable language for her children.
So, she went to great lengths clarifying with her kids which words were not acceptable in public, particularly from children. This all resulted in some colourful stories (punctuated by colourful language, of course) and more importantly, great connection between mother and children.
I loved this conversation about authenticity. I sometimes realize that I am being a pain in the neck to my child because of some societal expectation that is yelling "SHOULD" at me from inside my head.
"Mothers SHOULD teach their children manners!" "Mothers SHOULDN'T let their children get away with XYZ!" "Children SHOULDN'T be allowed to talk to their parents that way!" "Mothers SHOULDN"T swear - ever!"
In that moment when I'm being a pain in the neck to my child, what's REALLY going on for me is sometimes totally different. I may be chuckling inside, or even admiring my child's spunk. I may be aware that I'm not being compassionate with my child, that she's tired, hungry, or overwhelmed, but sometimes the SHOULD is so loud that I ignore the compassion and instead just listen to myself going on and on until the "Mothers SHOULD be nice to their children" message kicks in and I start to feel ashamed of all the lecturing I'm doing. Sigh.
Here are some things I've figured out.
The more honest I am with my child, the easier it is to connect.
The more I put myself in the conversation, instead of some mythical should-ridden mother image, the more compassion I have. (Hint: Call yourself "I", not "Mommy". This will help you be you, and create a little healthy distance from the myriad of cultural expectations attached to mothers.)
The more I swear when I feel like it, the more we laugh together.
The more I share my feelings with my child, the more we both learn about emotional regulation, boundaries, and appropriate emotional expression.
The more I tell stories of Lisa Kathleen (the child, the teenager, the college student, the business owner, the woman, the human being) to my child, the more my child knows - and loves - and learns from - the real, complete, authentic, complex me. And the more I enjoy the connection, safe in the knowledge that I don't have to be a fraud to be a great mother.
