|
|
|
Supporting Conscious Parents in Being Peaceful, Real, and Loving
(even when your children are testing you the most...) |
|
Raising a Self-Confident Girl |
June, 2013 | |
Hello ,
 |
Every adult woman that I know has experienced some intense emotions around growing up as a girl. Whether she absorbed the impression that she was less competent or capable because of her gender, was judged on her appearance, was sexualized or subjected to unwelcome sexual comments or advances, or something else, she was deeply affected, often ashamed, often profoundly hurt.
| The sad reality is that each of our own daughters will be exposed to much of the same, culturally. Our daughters will watch movies whose female characters are less complex and more stereotyped than male characters. They will observe political systems still dominantly run by men. They will be looked at - or spoken to - sexually, repeatedly, by guys on the street, bosses, uncles, and boys in school.
In Canada, one in 4 girls will be sexually abused by the time she is 18.
As adult women, who have already come to terms with a lot of our own experiences, or men, who may or may not have awareness of the depth and breadth of this experience for girls coming of age in this culture, it can be hard to figure out how to support a girl to build the resilience and perspective she needs to NOT experience, in the words of many adult women I've spoken to, "what I did".
I know this feeling, because I have a daughter myself.
There are a number of elements of self-confidence and self-esteem that give a girl the ability to process her experiences and develop a perspective that supports her to not take this stuff personally.
At the top of the list, resilience. Emotional and psychological resilience is the ability to experience stress, trauma, or hurt, and to come out the other side emotionally stable, mentally healthy, and confident. For a young child, you can support resilience by allowing the child to experience disappointment. When you DON'T fix whatever's wrong, when you DON'T "give in" and change your mind about the popsicle just because your child is melting down, you allow your child to discover that he or she can be disappointed, and survive, or even thrive! Your child feels stronger, more capable, and more confident, BECAUSE she is not given the message that life needs to be perfect for her to be happy. You can give your older daughter (3.5 and up) more explicit messages about resilience. "Yes, it's sad that your playdate got cancelled. You may need to cry for a while to help you feel better. Then, you get to choose how you're going to think about the situation. Are you going to keep thinking about how upset you are, or are you going to focus on all the other things you can enjoy doing today?" Teaching your daughter to choose her thoughts and beliefs and where she puts her attention is key to resilience.
self-respect/care,
Next, minimize exposure, and build understanding gradually. The messages are sophisticated, and stories are full of layers of assumptions. Whenever possible, only expose your child to as much as you feel he or she is capable of understanding - and you are capable of explaining. Don't brush questions under the rug - answer thoroughly, explaining the message that you see being shared, and your beliefs that are different than the messages.
For example, my daughter watched "Mamma Mia" at her grandparent's house. (PG-13, mother doesn't know which of 3 guys that she had sex with one summer is her daughter's father. Fun movie, but not what I would have chosen to show my 8-year-old.) My daughter has memorized about half of the songs, including "Money, Money, Money". It's the one about a woman wanting to find a rich husband in a "rich man's world". So, my comments go like this: "I always wonder why she doesn't find a way to become rich herself. It's sad that she thinks the only way she'll be able to enjoy life is to find a rich husband. Do YOU think women can't make their own money? I don't believe that. And I don't think that being rich is the main goal, either! I think it might be more important to be happy, financially stable, and meaningful in the world." When you minimize exposure, you have a chance to bring up the conversations over years, and build up your child's critical thinking skills.
When you help your child understand the subtle messages, and you focus on giving her the information to decide what she believes, you bring her to the point of choice. She becomes capable of understanding the things that might be affecting her thoughts and feelings. This is true for messages in advertising, movies, books, or even conversations.
Build internal motivation, judgment, and compass by avoiding rewards, punishments, praise, shame, external judgments, and labels. Who'd have thought that telling your daughter that she is beautiful is the exact opposite of what she needs to protect her from skewed cultural messages about the importance of beauty? The more we use rewards, punishments, praise, shame, judgments, and labels, the more a girl struggles to find her own voice. Girls need to explore their own reasons for making choices rather than trying to please. They need YOU to focus on what makes them individuals, what gifts they have that can support others, and how they can be meaningful in the world. Girls are much more likely to make decisions based on pleasing others than are boys, so it's even more important that you constantly bring her back to her own heart, and that you avoid shame and praise in favour of building connection, deepening conversations, and giving her room to explore and choose who she wants to be in the world, without fear of disappointing you.
Help her be meaningful, have fun, and be skilled. Girls who use their bodies to dance, swim, do sports, ride horses, or do other physical activities, especially NON-competitively, have better body-image. People who help others, volunteer, find ways to be kind or support charities, have higher self-worth and self-confidence and are less likely to base their worth on external judgments and media messages. People who have worked hard to become skilled at something have higher self-confidence than people who have a natural talent but have never worked to develop a skill.
Teach her to advocate for EVERYONE'S needs. Build a constant conversation around "What are your needs? What are my needs? What can we do that works for everybody?" When a person lives from this perspective, she learns to stand up for herself, not steamroll others, be responsible for the affects of her actions on others, and insist on mutual respect, in all circumstances. A skilled mediator and negotiator, with a focus on win-win solutions, is a very powerful human being.
Last of all, if your girl is 5 to 8 years old, please consider Princess Training Camp! We will be working with many of the concepts in this email, and having a whole lot of fun doing it, reveling in the varied forms that girls come in!
We've reduced the cost, based on your feedback (thank you!) and would love to share this special event with your daughter. |
|
|
|
In joy,
Lisa Kathleen
|
|
|
|
|
Resources
If you need some perspective on the kinds of messages that your girl may be receiving from the culture around her, watch the movie "MISSRepresentation"
This will help you see the things that you may want to draw your older daughter's attention to.
To get more information about alternatives to rewards, punishments, praise and shame, read "Unconditional Parenting"
or
"Punished by Rewards"
by Alfie Kohn.
Another very powerful book about the experience of girls growing up is "Reviving Ophelia".
|
|
Come Connect With Us On Facebook and Twitter!
|
|
Why Princess Training Camp?
Because
princesses
are powerful, resilient, meaningful, thoughtful and aware.
Go here to find out more. | |
|
| Upcoming Events |
|
Princess Training Camp
Everything it Takes To Be a REAL Princess!
***Because of the number of 38-year-old princesses inquiring, we need to clarify that this camp is for 5-8 Year Old Princesses Only!***
Tuesday through Thursday, August 6-8, from 9-3
AND
Friday, August 9th, from 9-5:30 (Parents are invited to join us for the ball at 4 pm)
Richmond Knob Hill Community Hall
Click here for all the details or to register!
Women's Wellness Circles
Exploring Experiences and Expressions of Motherhood
Tuesday Mornings, Monthly, starting in September, Marda Loop, 9:30-11:30 am
OR
Thursday Mornings, Monthly, starting in September, 9-11 am
OR
Friday Evenings, Monthly, starting in September, 7-9 pm
| |
