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Supporting Conscious Parents in Being Peaceful, Real, and Loving
(even when your children are testing you the most...) |
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When Dads Mess Up |
June, 2013 | |
Hello ,
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I've been thinking about dads (Yay, dads!), and especially about how moms are to dads, and how that affects our children. (This whole concept goes the other way as well, so if you're a dad reading this, read on.)
Here's the thing that hit me, hard, when I read it a few years ago: Children experience our feelings, beliefs, and actions towards their other parent personally.
| In healthy co-parenting relationships, whether the parents are separate or still together, parents protect each other's dignity, image, and connection with the children.
For example, if a child comes to mom, complaining about dad's yelling and getting mad, in a healthy situation, mom would say something like this:
"I hear you, honey. That can be hard. Your dad really blows his top sometimes. It sounds like he really needs a break right now, so it's good that you're giving him some space - that usually helps him settle down. Your dad really loves you, and we all do the best we can. Nobody's perfect, and once he settles down, you can talk to him about it if you like. Maybe we can even bake his favourite cookies to help him have a better day."
In an unhealthy situation, mom rolls her eyes and says, "Yeah, he's a jerk. I don't yell at you like that, and he shouldn't either." OR "Again? I talked to him about that last week! He's hopeless!"
The bottom line is that when we have compassion for the other parent's imperfections, it leaves the child free to love, connect with, and learn from the other parent. Most importantly, it leaves the child free to be imperfect, too. Whether you are married to your child's dad, or not, your unconditional love for him is felt by your child, too.
(**Note: This is in no way condoning any kind of abuse or aggression towards children. BUT, when those lines are crossed, compassion STILL helps more than condemnation. In that case, it might sound something like this:
"Your dad did a lot of things that hurt you, and me. When he was growing up, he did not learn how to manage his feelings, and he was hurt, too. He never learned how to solve problems in another way, and he's still doing his best, even though he still hasn't figured it out. We can send him love and hope that he is able to learn so that he doesn't hurt himself or other people any more.")
Can you imagine how compassion is a huge weight off the child's heart?
Your child experiences him or herself as HALF of each parent, and in nurturing BOTH halves, we nurture the wholeness of the child. I always tell my daughter, "Children get the best of their mothers, and the best of their fathers." I love this, because it helps me worry less about my own imperfections, too.
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Wishing you a wonderful Father's Day, full of compassion, grace, appreciation, and fun!
In joy,
Lisa Kathleen
P.S. Summer Sanity Saver Audio and Workbook is only $17, and summer-prep coaching is always a great idea, too. Give me a call to plan for the bestest summer ever. 403-607-1463
P.P.S. The Friday evening Wellness Circle is back - if you are wondering whether the circle experience would be a fit for you, see below, call or email me - I'd love to chat! <3
P.P.P.S. 403-607-1463
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Special Note
for
Single Parents
The concept in this email might be really hard for you.
I know that single parents sometimes think that the best thing for the child is to know that their other parent is a jerk - and I think we believe this because we hope that it will prevent our child from being hurt, like we were. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
Children love, and yearn for the love of, both their parents. When you criticize your child's dad, your child's heart drops. When you offer him compassion, your child feels it, too.
As a single mom myself, I know that when I learned this, I realized that I needed to dig way deeper, and find more love, compassion, and gratitude for
my child's dad.
~ Lisa Kathleen |
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