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Supporting Conscious Parents in Being Peaceful, Real, and Loving
(even when your children are testing you the most...) |
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Getting Your Kids to Listen |
August, 2013 | |
Hello ,
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You know how some days you just want to yell, "HOW MANY times do I have to ask you to...???!!"
It is sooooo hard to stay patient and gentle when you are repeating yourself for the 14th time, but here's the thing. Every time you lose it and raise your voice (not that I never do this myself, mind you) you teach your child that they don't have to really listen to you until you raise your
| voice. So next time, they wait until you raise your voice to listen. So you start raising your voice sooner, because you notice that it works. So they start ignoring you until you raise your voice and jump up and down. So you start off by raising your voice and jumping up and down...you get the picture. It's an ugly cycle.
The number one key to getting your kids to listen to you, consistently, the first time, is to consistently, the first time, follow through with making sure they do what you have asked. (**This does not mean punish them, or get mad when they don't do what you've asked, then stomp over and drag them through the steps.**)
Here's what it involves:
1) Starting now, do not ask them to do anything, ever, unless you are 100% willing and able to follow through with the following steps. If you are not, then do the thing the yourself, or wait until you are willing and able to follow through.
2) When possible, and especially when they are involved in doing something that you are going to need to interrupt, give them a warning that you are going to ask them to do X soon.
3) Connect, then direct. (Key from Dr. Gordon Neufeld's "Hold on to Your Kids".) Say something like, "You really love Lego, huh?", or put your hand on your child's shoulder, or ask a question about what they are doing or thinking.
4) Don't actually ask, unless they have an option. Politely tell your child to do what you need them to do or what it is time for (ie "Please go put your pajamas on now." OR "It's time to put pajamas on.") Do not make it a question. (ie NOT "Would you mind..." or "Do you think you could...." or "Do you want to....") Tell your child the same way (or a limited number of ways) every time so that they have a language cue that you will follow through.
5) If you do not see an immediate indication that your child is doing the thing, go over - cheerfully, without resentment or anger - offer your hand, and take them to do the thing with you. You might say something like, "Let's do it together." Continue to connect throughout the process, so that doing what you ask them to do is a pleasant experience whenever possible.
6) If the child is resistant, gently persist, repeat, make it a game, tell them, "I'm not going to change my mind about this," and be clear that you will continue to guide them to do the thing until it is done, or do it for and with them. At first you may take the child with you while you do the thing, until they get the idea that you will always follow through.
FAQ
At what age is it fair to expect my child to do what I ask without my needing to follow through?
This depends on two things: First, how long you have been doing the above/how sure they are that you will follow through after asking them to do something/how used to they are to doing what you ask. Second, the child's temperament, developmental stage, ability to concentrate, ability to remember the instruction, and the development of their will.
Depending on your child's temperament, and age, you may need to do this for a long time before he or she gets used to the idea that you will ALWAYS follow through. The earlier you start, the sooner your child will figure it out. But, do not despair - if you're asking your teenager 14 times, the process is the very same, and you may need to go back to this over the years if things slip. In general, you should not expect your 2-year-old to be able to consistently do what you ask, but this is a key year for learning that you will follow through when you do ask.
Let me know how it goes! |
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In joy,
Lisa Kathleen
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