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I was trying to figure out the perfect subject line so that I don't give the wrong impression about this email. "What? Lisa Kathleen condones violent play?" "What? Lisa Kathleen thinks kids should play with guns?"
First, I need to come clean about something...I still feel uncomfortable when children pretend about violence. I still have to think hard to figure out how to respond without shutting the whole exploration down. I'm a lover, not a fighter!!
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And, I know that the times when I've gotten it right have lead to some of the most meaningful conversations and revelations for the kids around me. So. Sigh. I step out of my comfort zone, again, and keep the conversation open.
Here are the guidelines that I think are important:
1) Ask frequently, "Is everyone here enjoying this game?"
2) Encourage stories, character development, and different endings. Remember that when imaginative play goes up, aggression goes down. Ask questions about the storyline, and tell your own stories, too. Ask, "Why did you choose to shoot that guy instead of calling the police?" or "Why did you let him out of jail, if he just keeps stealing the diamonds again?" Discuss rehabilitation, safety, war, and solutions for conflict with your kids, in a hopeful context.
3) Don't give ready-made guns or weapons-toys. Building stuff is part of the process and further exercises the imagination.
4) Limit media, especially violent movies, shows, and video games. Too much media use limits the imagination.
5) Know your friends, and your social circles. Have your children play these games with friends you know well, and let them know that some people don't like seeing kids play games about violence. Explain that you believe it's important for kids to think about and understand their own power, and that you're available to answer any questions as they play.
6) Know your own limits, but keep the conversation open. If some things make you really uncomfortable, that's okay. Let your child know, taking special effort not to shame them for their interest, and taking time to ask them about the topic.
7) Get physical with your kids. Run, play, and wrestle. If wrestling intimidates you, start with this game: Kneel facing your child. Have your child kneel or stand, depending on their size. Gently tip your child over to the ground. Watch them pop back up. Do it again, and again, and again, while providing commentary, "Wow! Every time I knock her down, she just pops right back up!" Reverse roles.
8) Build context. Tell stories that offer the deepest truth in the most loving way possible. Answer hard questions with hope and understanding. Listen to this audio to help you figure out how to do this.
A few years ago, I was taking some friends' children (age 3.5 and 5) home from my house from a playdate. I'd had many conversations with the brother about Big Stuff, and many opportunities to create context with him.
They'd had a long day, and I was trying to get them both into car seats in my back seat. I was trying to put the older brother in the middle seat, my daughter on one side, then the sister on the other, but every time I put the sister in her seat, the brother reached over and smacked her. She cried. I took her out, cuddled her, put her back in, and "SMACK!" I took her out, cuddled her, put her back in, and...you get the picture. Finally, I took a breath, leaned in to the car, and said to the brother in my Most Serious Voice, "Johnny! Do you want World Peace?"
He got really big eyes, and said, "Yes!"
I answered, "Peace starts HERE!!!" and looked at him for a moment. Then I buckled his sister in and drove them both home with no further incident. This is the power of creating context.
There was no threat here. This young boy had heard me say that each of us, one step at a time, creates a more peaceful world. He knew that I expected him to contribute to the peace, and my reminder of the power of our individual actions made a difference to him.
We'll be engaging deeply in the conversation about empowerment in the upcoming Playing with Power course. If the following sounds like you, click to register or find out more...
Come join the conversation...
Playing with Power runs two Saturdays, November 2nd and 16th, at Killarney/Glengarry Community Hall, 28th Ave and 28th St. SW. |
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