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When my daughter was 6, she starting attacking me with sticks. At first, I took cover, protested loudly, and lectured about non-violence. Later, I grabbed a stick and fought back.
It turned out the fighting back was the best thing I could have done. We ended up walking all the way to Grandma's house one day, "swords" flailing, by-passers rubbernecking, giggling wildly the whole way.
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I learned stuff, and I'm pretty sure she did, too.
The first thing I learned was that she was not, at any time, thinking of actually hurting me. The one time she actually contacted my body she was very apologetic. She just wanted to see what would happen if she swung a stick at me. Hint: Do not make assumptions about your child's motivation - chances are they do not want to hurt you.
What I think she learned: Mom trusts me to be respectful and careful.
The second thing I was reminded of was that any activity that you shut down with your child comes up again in other ways. I'd been shutting down the swordplay for a while. It wasn't going away. After that hour of swordplay, there hasn't been anymore. Hint: When your child has a need, don't shut it down. Instead, redirect, redirect, redirect. Always find the "yes".
What I think she learned: I can trust Mom to help me explore the stuff I need to explore.
The third thing I was reminded of was that children always look for the next level. She had learned to roll over, crawl, walk, run, bike, swim, and had mastered the monkey bars. In her physical developmental process, the next logical challenge was stuff like wrestling, sword-fighting, or a game like tag. She needed to push herself to respond rapidly to another person's moves. She needed to work on balance, reaction time, and how to use an object as an extension of her body. Hint: Look for the next level, and provide opportunities. Help your child to challenge herself.
What I think she learned: Trying hard stuff feels good in my body. I like doing things I've never done before.
Lastly - and this section gets uncomfortable - I learned that my daughter was just like every other kid on this planet. She needed to think about how she would defend herself if she ever needed to, so that she could feel safe in the world. She needed to try out her body, see how it would move, and practice protecting herself. She is like a cougar cub. Cougars will grow up with the need to hunt, and to defend themselves, so as cubs, they growl, wrestle, chase, and play hunting games. We humans are animals, too. Luckily, lots of us Canadians will never be physically attacked, get in a physical fight, or need to defend ourselves physically.
But lots of us will. Your child's self-confidence is a powerful deterrent to an attacker, and physical self-confidence comes from practice. Hint: Don't deny your child's humanity. Humans are animals. War, violence, and fighting still exist in this world. A child that feels physically empowered is less likely to be the victim of an attack in the first place, and more likely to survive an attack. Confidence, not actual skill, is key.
What I think she learned: I can fight if I need to. I know how my body works.
Wow! That's an intense conversation. Deep breath....
And the point is this - your child is thinking about this stuff - whether they say it with words or not. They are going through the developmental process of a normal human being, one that relies on millions of years of evolution to provide instincts and developmental urges.
You probably have questions coming up! Remember that I am not presenting this information to share a "right" way of thinking or acting with your children. I'm sharing to stimulate ideas and conversation. I believe the "right" answer is on a spectrum, and depends on the values and ideals that you want to share with your children.
We'll be engaging deeply in this conversation in the upcoming Playing with Power course. If this sounds like you, click to register or find out more...
Come join the conversation...
Playing with Power runs two Saturdays, November 2nd and 16th, at Killarney/Glengarry Community Hall, 28th Ave and 28th St. SW. |
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