Here's how it works.

 

First, a story that I received, by email, from a dad who subscribes to this newsletter:

"I was reminded of my childhood, when I was about 6 or 7.   In public school, in grade 1 or 2, I remember that our class was assigned to make up some kind of PLAY for a drama class. I formed a group with my friends (all boys) and I remember that our PLAY was all about shooting, guns, killing...just like I imagine we had seen on TV. When we presented the play in front of the class, and to our teacher...I don't remember much, but I do remember her reaction.  An image in my mind is all that is left, an image of horror on her face as she watched us "shooting" each other.  Well, what is left is that image of horror on her face, and also a feeling of shame that resides in me. Her reaction was such that it left me feeling like I was "bad." "  

This email reminded me that my research into this topic really identified this feeling of shame in boys. 

Girls, who are naturally more eager to please than boys, are observant, and will notice that a certain style of play (the style that is more typical of boys) is being shut down. Girls, in order to avoid being shamed, will avoid that kind of play, AND associate to other kinds of play that is more likely to be "boys" play - building, playing with cars and trucks, etc. In this kind of environment, girls will generally avoid ALL kinds of play that they see as being more boy-ish, because they, like the dad above, generalize the feeling of shame to an understanding that there's something wrong with being a boy. 

At the same time, boys, feeling like their natural outlet is being shut down, will feel less confident, and less creative, AND more interested in the kind of play that they are being denied. They also tend to feel that they are more "different" than the girls around them, who may also begin to shame them, tattle, or run away from them. As a result, in an environment where weapons play is consistently shut down, boys end up feeling more differentiated from girls, and less likely to play with dolls, or in the kitchen area, etc.  

In my next newsletter, I'll offer some guidelines around weapons play that you may find practically helpful.